So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
