It's Friday. Sex?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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