Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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