I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
