My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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