We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
