Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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