My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
