My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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