at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
