i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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