I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
