she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
