I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
