Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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