shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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