did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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