While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
