So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
