If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
