my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
