we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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