Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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