just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
