phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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