god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
