I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
