i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
