she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
