If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
