i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
