Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm getting married
To pizza
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
