Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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