What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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