just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
