Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
