Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
