Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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