My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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