dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
