Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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