Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
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I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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