The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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