Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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