Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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