You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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