Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Couch. On fire.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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