it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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