Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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