dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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