that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
