Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
